A Small World

2021 did not start in the way that I had planned.

“To a Mouse” by Robert Burns

“The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain
For promis’d joy!”

I’ve recently put new yarns and beautiful Emma Ball project bags into the Knitting Squirrel Shop. I love these bags, they are colourful and fun as well as being the perfect size for a project. I used my Woolly Puffins Drawstring Project Bag when I was knitting the “Boxy” sweater designed by Joji Locatelli.

The Knitting Squirrel has continued to run smoothly after my accident. I love the Knitting Squirrel and have missed not being able to do all the tasks I normally do. Neil however, kindly stepped in and enjoys packing the orders and posts them on Mondays and Thursdays. I’ve enjoyed ordering yarn for the shop and putting it onto the website. Mobility has really been the main issue. Sometimes, I choose a ball of yarn to knit a new project while I’m updating the stock. It is a pleasure thinking about what I will create.

It is now over 5 months since I slipped on a rock while walking the dogs on our local tidal beach. On Saturday the 16 January 2021, my world suddenly became very much smaller and I became very glad of Neil and the emergency services. One moment the dogs were playing and Mya accidentally sideswiped me, and in a blink of an eye, I stepped backwards, slipped on a wet rock and went down. I felt myself go but there was nothing I could do to stop the momentum.

It was 8 pm on a dark cold January night and I was lucky that the tide was going out and it was only drizzling when I fell as it was 12:30 am by the time I arrived at the hospital with the help of the ambulance crew, the police and the fire service. It was obvious from the angle of my foot that my ankle was broken. And I squirmed inwardly as my Fair Isle Zig Zag Sock was cut off. Neil thoughtfully washed and saved the sock so I think I will probably turn it and the other sock into lavender sachets for my sock boxes. Seems an appropriate use for them!

I’ve never been so cold as I shivered in my damp clothes beneath a silver blanket on a bed in the hospital corridor. By 4:30 am my ankle had been x-rayed; I had a dislocated tri-malleolar fracture. I had broken the tibia, fibula and malleolus. It was realigned and put into its first cast which was then split to allow for swelling.  I had surgery on the 21^st (plates and screws) a few days after this my right wrist was x-rayed (it was also fractured) and put into a brace and I went home by ambulance on the 25^th.

For the next 4 months, I was utterly housebound, other than painful manoeuvring down the 4 steps at the front door to attend hospital appointments. We have steps at the front and back of our house.

After 6 weeks my wrist had healed enough to remove the brace and start to do a little knitting again. That was painful but blissful at the same time. I was no longer tied to just daytime television and Netflix. I’d the concentration span of a gnat so reading wasn’t an option other than browsing my knitting magazines when they arrived in the post.

For a while, my biggest concern was finding shoes that I would be able to squash my right foot into. It is considerably larger and more swollen than my left foot. I bought a couple of pairs online, which although extra wide fitting, were never going to fit me. Finally, I successfully bought a pair in Skechers, where I was actually able to try them on as the shops had re-opened to the public a couple of days before. The chap in Skechers showed me how to fasten the shoelace on my right shoe so that I could walk in it and not have it slip or trip me up. He was really helpful. This felt like a tiny miracle. Every step in them was torture but I was able to get them on with the aid of a shoehorn before my physio session the following morning.

My world became small. Neil had moved a bed into the snug off the kitchen so I could sleep downstairs as the hospital physios told me I had to live on one level. Zimmer frame. Wheelchair. Crutches… After some months I re-learned how to go down the steps and could reach the back garden and the world opened up a little bit more. Yesterday, I had a breakthrough and made it all the way upstairs. It felt huge, after five months, I was actually upstairs. Although it must be said, it is easier going up than coming down.

I can now carefully make my way down the garden to a sunny corner where I’ve been enjoying the daisies, dandelions, bluebells and apple blossom. Our garden is beautifully wild and unruly around the edges. The visiting wildlife seems to prefer it that way. Every day, the squirrels and birds visit the feeders. Every night we watch the badgers eating peanuts and peanut butter on wholemeal bread.

While I sit at the end of the garden, I listen to the bees buzzing, the birds singing and I watch the ants scurrying across the step. We are behind in the garden and greenhouse this year as Neil hasn’t had much time. The garden centres were closed so we bought tomato, cucumber, courgette and sweetpea seeds which are not ready to be planted out yet.

I’m so lucky to have Neil. He is extraordinary. All his leave so far this year has been used for mornings off for hospital appointments for either my mum or myself.

Now and again, in the wee small hours, of the night, I treat myself to something new to lift my spirits. There are times that a new notebook or pen, a few new colours of yarn, or a beautiful project bag really lifts the spirits.  I’ve struggled with the constant pain. I’ve struggled with the stress of trying to get pain relief. Nights are the worst for me. In the past 72 hours, I have been able to get a little under 10 hours of sleep in total. As I wear my Fitbit so that I can track all the steps that I take, it also tracks my sleep and quality of sleep. I find this helpful.

The pain isn’t lessening yet. I kept hoping that it would improve. So I’ve been reading a couple of books to try and find ways of managing my pain. I’m reading “Chronic Pain the Drug Free Way” by Phil Sizer and I’ve ordered “Mindfulness for Health: A Practical Guide to relieving pain, reducing stress and restoring wellbeing” by Vidyamala Burch and Dr Danny Penman. I’m searching for ways to make it easier to live with the pain. The level of pain I endure is not something that is raised or discussed with me, and I’ve come to the realisation that after 5 months of constant pain, it is not going to go away, anytime soon.

In Phil Sizer’s book, he suggests Distraction as a good way of taking your mind off the pain.

“Turn your attention to other things such as hobbies and personal interests and these will help you calm down and relax. Spend time every day doing something that takes your mind off your worries.” Phil Sizer

Since starting to knit again, I’ve slowly finished some of my WIPs.  When I decided to finish the “Slipstravaganza” shawl designed by Stephen West I opted for doing the smaller size as I really didn’t feel like continuing the border anymore. I’ve darned in the loose tails but can’t block it yet. Finishing something gives a wonderful sense of accomplishment.

Larger shortie socks were needed. 64 stitches instead of 60. A longer slip stitch heel flap to give a little more padding where the back of my shoe digs in. I continue the slip stitch on the dutch heel turn to give a little more comfort beneath my heels.

Progress on the “Memories Sweater” by Sally Melville continues. I love it. I love the colours and the mitred squares. You can see that the front is finished in the photo above and I’ve only a few more rows of mitred squares to do for the back.

The “Super Simple Summer Sweater” by Joji Locatelli, I’m knitting a dress version to wear with leggings, is still on the mannequin and awaiting the second sleeve and the tails to be sewn in. I’m using Aran weight yarn so it may be too warm to wear through the summer months. But it will be ready for the Autumn.

Where I’m sleeping is part of our “home library”, okay, truth to tell, every room in our home other than the kitchen, bathroom and main bedroom is part of our “home library”. But when I’m sleepless, I lie in bed and read the titles on the wall of books opposite. (A little like counting sheep but more interesting.) The “Artist’s Way – A Course in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self” by Julia Cameron seemed to call to me the other night. I opened my dog-eared copy and am doing it in a smaller enjoyable way. My visits are not to art galleries, museums or parks. Instead, they are forays into the pages of a book, a card drawn from an oracle, my journal, knitting a few rows, meditation or just sitting quietly in the garden enjoying the sunshine and listening to the birds singing and the buzzing of insects. All against a backdrop of the distant hum of the city beyond my boundaries.

The lawn is carpeted with speedwell, daisies and creeping buttercup with their beautiful sunshine yellow blossoms whilst the dandelion clocks are beginning to scatter to the winds. The apple blossom is still glorious.

I am so lucky to have this beautiful space to sit outside. I missed being able to go outside and breathe in the fresh air when I was housebound and immobile and the sense of progress is miraculous.

The pain and swelling are still pretty constant although, I have more mobility, which is wonderful. I’m trying to use less co-codamol, as I don’t like feeling lethargic all the time, and I’ve been using one of Phil Sizer’s relaxation techniques. Colour Breathing which I find really helpful. It uses a simple breathing technique and when you breathe in you visualize a colour for calm, breathe it in. Then you think of a colour for stress, breathe it out and see it float away like smoke on the breeze. Do this for a while. Then breathe in a colour for comfort and visualize it going to a place you feel pain. See it diluting the pain. Then breathe out a colour you choose for pain.

Since January, I’ve learned to live a slower and more mindful life and I now let the small stresses and irritations pass me by. I try to be more mindful about each moment rather than wishing for what was. The pain hasn’t been easy, there have been tears. But also laughter. For every moment of darkness, there are more moments of light to counteract it.